Session Breakout (Fight to Win)

So I think one of the places that I think is really good for us to consider is like when we are in a in a in conflict with our spouse, it's easy to see our spouse as our enemy in that moment, right? It's it's it's not me and you against the world, it's me against you at that point, and so our spouse becomes our our enemy, and and now the thing that we are fighting for is hello. The thing that we're fighting for is is us. Like they are the offender, we are the offended, and and now justice will be ours, and that's kind of the thing that we're after. So you you ever hear the the phrase like nature versus nurture? The whole idea of of conflict is is I think is is the way that we process who we are by nature and what we're meant to do, as God has nurtured our lives. So, for example, like Brooke and I will often look at our kids and be like, "They got that from you. Nope, nope, they got that one from me, right? And and and then we'll talk about like who you're getting stuff from well, when we're talking about our reactions when we're in conflict, the the question is like, in that moment, what are we representing? What we're bringing into the table based on how we're wired, how we grew up, or what we experience, or are we bringing to the table what God has called us and is actively transforming us to be right because by nature we can have different. Maybe your knee-jerk reaction is to like go to instant screaming, right? For me, when whenever I get really angry or I'm in a like a in in feeling in conflict, I tend. I'm the kind of guy that shuts down. I'll go. I'll go stealth mode. I won't leave, or I won't run away, or anything like that. I'll just be there, and I'll just be super quiet. That's how I do it. Now, neither response, whether it be open rage or inner disconnect, is helpful, right? Just because we operate that way by nature doesn't mean that it justifies like what we are bringing into it. So we have to consider what it is that God has called us to be, right? Because if we think of it in those terms, then we have a better understanding of how we're meant to approach each other. Because in the same way that we wouldn't let our kids like talk to us in whatever way that they want, right? Like I'm not gonna let my kid be disrespectful to me or to my wife just because they are naturally disrespectful. I'm gonna say, heck no! You don't get to talk to me that way. You don't get to talk to mom that way. We are gonna work that out of you one way or the other, right? It's it's the same way that God is working in us a life that looks more like Him. Now, the purpose of our ongoing growth and sanctification is to be a better reflection of Jesus, and if we can treat our areas of conflict like an opportunity for God to do His changing work in us, it's going to be helpful because, like Brooke and I, will often talk about like most of the time, like wouldn't you agree that probably 90% of our conflict comes because I see things one way, and you see some things like a totally different way.

Sorry. Yes.

Right. So, so a lot of it happens that way. But what I have found, and what we have found, is that in in our like in the way that we process things differently, there's actually a beauty in that because I can't see everything as much as I would love to say that I could, and and she doesn't feel everything in a way that gives her all the perspective as much as like I'm sure she feels like she would want to, and and what we bring to the table is a greater perspective, a greater understanding, a greater ability to handle things, and so so our humanity is going to grind on each other. But if we can approach it in a way that that is helpful by putting in the work, by humbling ourselves, like God can use that. So there will be moments. There will be moments where we're just gonna like get into a situation and be like, you know what? This is how I'm feeling. I'm feeling all the feels, and I don't care what God wants me to do about it. I don't care how God wants me to talk about it. I don't care how God wants me to respond. I'm gonna respond the way I'm gonna respond because this is where I'm at. The moment. Well, the Bible tells us that there's evidence of God's Spirit inside of us, right? We call them the fruits of the spirit. Babe, would you like to? I'm gonna call her Babe. I'm sorry, guys. Like, if that sounds weird, I'm gonna call her Babe because it's weird for me to look at her and call her Brooke. Her name is Brooke. I call her Babe, so I'm just gonna call her Babe. Babe, what are the fruits of the spirit?

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

What's that last one again?

Self-control.

For the ones in the back.

Self-control.

That's right. Self-control. That's that's the thing. Like God gave us that. So when we're in that moment and we recognize we're in that moment of I don't want to do this God's way by His Spirit. We don't have to let our nature run us, and and so Brooke has a really good point about just that not caring, and and so the being in that place where you just don't care about what God wants, you just kind of want to do what you want.

Yeah. So sometimes, like when it comes, you're talking, like when it comes to certain situations, like there's, you can be raging, have all this energy, anger, and then there's also this idea of just like shutting down and being completely out of it, but like the idea of just allowing our feelings are never our feelings are never justified for us to be able to sin. It never, no matter how angry and yelling, and I'm at my wits, and it never justifies me to be able to have that sinful nature, where it be yelling, screaming, shutting down, whatever it may be, it comes in so many amazing forms when it comes to conflict. But it's just this idea that it never is allowed, like it's not justified, and it's so hard because there's so many times I'm like, but I'm just so tired and I'm just exhausted, and everything just explodes out of me, and I know that that's never an okay thing. Like it, it is definitely not God's idea for our conflict, and it's definitely not God's idea for our marriage. So that's just something you have to keep into like that self-control, where you're like, okay, I know I've had a tough day. I know that I'm hurt right now. I'm angry right now. He said something that, or she said something, or whatever it may be. It never justifies being able to be sinful back to them,

and so with that, we have to consider going into it. Like, what's a win? Is is feeling justified a win? Is being validated a win? Like those things can be helpful, you know, especially when you feel like you're the one that's offended. But at the end of the day, the thing that is the most paramount, like the real win that we have to be after is a stronger marriage, more than more than myself. Like I have to be able to set the goal in any kind of conflict that the win for us is that there's communication where there wasn't before, that there's healing where there was once hurt, that there is reconciliation where there's disconnect. Like whatever it is that's going on in us. The win is us together. That's the win. So with that, I think James chapter one. If you want to turn with me in your Bibles, there James chapter one, for me sets the best rules of engagement, right? Like the the rules that you live by, and this is really what's become our approach in in any given argument, any kind of conflict, like this is the approach that that we try to live by as we work things out with each other. James chapter one, starting at verse 19. So then, my beloved brethren, let everyone, every man, be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore, lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror, for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who speaks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and it is not a forget and is not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. So, to start, I think it's the most. I think it's most helpful to look at what what James is saying in the end. Like he says, for the wrath of man, the the end of verse 20, the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. So the idea of wrath there being our our reactions is often translated as anger or rage, but it actually is is more of a descriptor of our natural impulses. So our natural impulses aren't. Means of creating righteousness. Let me ask you, and and we talked about this before, but I'm going to still say it again. Like, how many of us screamed our spouse into healing and wholeness? Like when we were screaming at our spouse, it fixed the thing that was broken between us. How many of us in giving our spouse the silent treatment caused them to make things right. Right, our natural impulses don't produce the righteousness of God, and therefore is not going to bring the healing that we're after, the wholeness that we're after. So all it is is an expression of our anger, and it does nothing more than let us feel good for about 30 seconds because we expressed our anger, but all it does is cause more damage, right? So the wrath of man, the impulses of man, do not produce the righteousness of God, and and so anger, in in and of itself, like we have to think about it in in these terms. Like in and of itself, anger isn't a problem. It's okay to be angry. I think I think sometimes we talk about it and we're like, no, we can't be angry. No, you can. You can be angry. The Bible gives you the the freedom in that. But it says this: Ephesians chapter four, verse 26 and 27. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Like don't let the devil have a place because of sin that transpires because of your anger. So Brooke had something that we were talking about earlier that I thought was like really helpful to the conversation.

Yeah, so it just talked about this or die. So when you think of our marriage, our marriage is obviously sacred. It is holy. It is something that God has set apart, which is just something that's so special. And so many times we allow through conflict or whatever meet that Satan comes in and takes a foothold on that marriage, and it's no longer God's marriage; it's His marriage. He's got control. He's the one that's in charge, and you've had to like it's so easily to allow that to happen through our own personal struggles and issues. But it's this idea that we are at battle with our marriage; like we're at war when it comes to our marriage, and we are to be fighting not only just for you know, because like I said, life is hard, and having to not only be having to battle your husband and life in general, it's exhausting. It's absolutely exhausting. So if you have this idea that like don't let Satan come in and have a foothold, like we need to be side by side. If you think of that war and that battle, you have the war going on over here, and you got your people here. Those are your like comrades, your brothers. They got your back, and your husband and wife. That's the strongest one right there. So when you have those struggles, it's like this idea of being there together, side by side, supporting each other, because Satan's got to take that opportunity to get between you two and run with it, but if you're standing front like a front, it's going to be so much harder for the Satan to come and attack your marriage because you're side by side. You got each other's back. You're supporting each other versus the conflict between the two.

Yeah, and so like you can't gain ground if you're if you're you're fighting each other, right? You can't gain any ground if you're you're at war with each other.

Yeah, and then this is just a verse that the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that you may have life and have it abundantly. So that's your marriage. Your marriage is supposed to be filled with life and abundance, and that's where Satan comes to try and to destroy something that is most sacred to God.

And and the idea of like I'm not going to do it God's way is just letting the the enemy like have have it his way in us. So here are the rules of engagement: be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. So let's look at the first: be quick to listen. Now the I think it's the listening that becomes like the greatest challenge in in resolving conflict. We get so much like in our head and our heart about what we want to say when we're hot that our spouse becomes like Charlie Brown's teacher. You ever see those like Charlie Brown cartoons and and his teacher is like wah wah wah wah, right? So so we can get in that place where it's like, oh, I'm gonna say this. Oh, I can't wait until they're done because I won't bring that up. Ooh, ooh, you want to go there? Okay, we're gonna go there too. And and you're thinking about all the ways that you're about to respond that now you don't even hear what your spouse is saying, right? It just it goes totally blank. Here's a couple things to consider with that. Refusing to listen is immediately dismissing the person that you're meant to be sharing life with. So if you're not willing to listen to them, you're fully dismissing them in a way that registers like you don't matter to me. Like for the wife, there aren't many greater ways to make her feel unloved than for her to think. That you don't care about what it is that she has to say, like ladies, right? I mean, you don't have to you don't have to do anything, but you can head nod because I know I know you know. Isn't it true? Like if you feel like your husband is not listening to you or is not giving you the consideration in what it is that you're trying to say, like it just makes you feel completely unloved in a way that you don't matter, but we're lying to ourselves if we feel like it's only one-sided. Because when we do the exact same thing to our husbands, it's like the quickest way to make him feel super disrespect, super disrespected. So he's essentially saying like, "Oh, so you care about what you have to say, but you don't care about what I have to say. So now, as a person that's meant to like be able to be free and to be able to speak, and you want me to communicate, and now you're not listening to me, like there's no greater way of disrespect. So it's actually working against the thing that we're meant to bring to the table: love and respect. And so this means hearing what your spouse is saying, not just in how they're saying it. So, okay, there's a two-way street to this, and we're going to talk about how we use our words in a moment. That said, that said, if all we do is respond to what it is that we're hearing based on how it's being presented, like they're screaming, they're sarcastic, they're biting in their responses because they're hurt, and all we hear is how it's being said. We'll never get to the heart of the matter. So if Brooke is offended by something I say, and then she comes at me with sarcasm, or she comes at me by screaming at me and all that other kind of stuff, if all I do is focus on how she's saying it, what happens in that moment is it frees me up from actually like being there for her in the moment. Oh, I offended you. I am so sorry. And and the quicker I can get to that space, the better it's going to be for her, and the better it's going to be for our marriage. So there's nothing wrong for me to say to her or her to me because I don't want to make it seem like it's a one-sided deal. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Look, how you're talking to me right now, is is is, and and to do it in a calm way, how you're talking to me right now is coming across as rude, and and you're screaming at me, and that's not helpful. I want to hear what it is you're trying to say.

Can you bring it down a notch and and tell me what it is you're trying to tell me so I can meet you here? That's okay, and it's okay. And and if you're the one that has to hear that part of it, it's got to be okay that they communicate that with you because the thing is the heart of the matter, and if you can get there quickly, it's going to go better for your communication. Now, here is why this is important, because your spouse means something to you, and the state that they're in has to like register with us. Now, this also means that we have to stop interrupting each other. When you're interrupting, you're telling your spouse, "All right, stop! I'm done listening to you now. It's not helpful, even even if what they're saying is repetitive and it's like over and over and you're saying the same thing 10 times over and over again. You just got to give them space to be able to say it because interrupting isn't going to be helpful. It's not going to go well. If you're having trouble listening, I think that's where First Corinthians 13 is really helpful. It's the love chapter, and you know it. I know it, but I'm going to share it anyway. First Corinthians chapter 13, starting at verse eight, love suffers long. Let's stop right there. Isn't that helpful for listening? You got to sit there and suffer and listen. Yes, love suffers long and is kind. Love does not envy. Oh, I thought you were going to say something. Love does not envy. Love does not parade itself. Love does not is not puffed up. Love does not behave rudely. Sarcasm, rudeness, does not seek its own, is not provoked. Oh, that's a good one. Love is not provoked. What you're going to give to me, then I'm going to give it to you right back. Prepare to get what you give. Love is not provoked. Thinks no evil. Assumes no motivations, right? Does not rejoice in iniquity, but it rejoices in the truth. Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. If you can get in that space, then you're in a better place to just sit and listen and try to meet your spouse where they are, and that means trying to look from their perspective. As I mentioned before, Brooke and I we see things totally differently. If you're a guy and you're in that in in our guys session, you already heard like she thinks of things in ways that I totally don't. She feels things that I totally don't, and and it's better in our marriage. If I'm able to say to her, I don't understand, and I don't see it that way. I don't know that I'm going to, but I care about what you see. I care about what you feel. I care that you're in this, so I'm going to try and meet you where you're at. Now it might not be everything she wants to hear, but she can see in the effort that I'm trying to bring, or I'm trying to make in just trying to meet her where she's at, and then vice versa. So let's talk about the second one: be slow to speak. Now, slow to speak does not just mean wait your turn. That's part of it, but it doesn't mean totally just wait your turn. It's actually not being reactionary in our words. In other words, they hurt, so you hurt. They're rude, so you're rude. They're sarcastic, so you're cutting. They make you feel some kind of way, and so the thing that you're about to say is going to cut them, and and and you're going to twist the knife. Like fighting fire with fire is more like fighting fire with napalm, and it does nothing but do more damage. Proverbs 15 verse one says, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. So if Brooke comes at me and she's kind of you know hot, and I can tell that she is, and my immediate response is, "Don't you dare talk to me that way! How dare you bring it up and then start coming at me like that? How do you think our conversation is about to go?

Right now, if she comes at me that way, or vice versa, and and and and the response is okay. I can see that you're angry. Let's talk about this. The soft answer is going to do better in quelling the fire than raging right back. Now, Proverbs 18 verse 21 says this: Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those that love it will eat of its fruit. So you have the ability to bring death or life with your words, not just to your spouse but to your marriage. So maybe consider that: what is it you're after? Are you trying to kill your spouse? Are you trying to kill your marriage? Are you trying to breathe life into it? So now my responses need to be appropriate. Consider maybe this: Does what you have to say does it really need to be said? Now, sometimes it's absolutely yes. Like if you got something that's weighing on your heart and your mind, and and it needs to be communicated, that's okay. But listen, not everything needs to be communicated. It's not always helpful. Have Have you ever been in that place where you like said all this stuff, and you're like, I probably could have cut that back. Well, Proverbs 2911 says, a fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. Like there's wisdom in being able to discern what needs to be said versus I just need to say stuff, right? Because you can't take back the things that you say. Like you can't say, "I said I take it back. That's that's not helpful. How many of us, and you don't have to raise your hand, but how many of us like still have a tough time shaking hurtful things that were said to us? So Ephesians chapter four verse 29 says this: No corrupt talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for the building up, as fits the occasion, that it might give grace to those who hear. And then in Colossians chapter four six it says this: Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt. Like the idea is to build up and to extend grace in all of our communication. Now you might just be like, "Well, you know what? I'm going to ignore God because I don't care what He has to say. I'm mad, and I'm going to say everything I can in my anger. Well, maybe maybe allow the fear of God to keep you in check in a healthy place. Jesus said this in Matthew chapter 12, and and I have a hard time shaking this. Jesus said in Matthew chapter 12, verse 36 and 37, I tell you, on the day of judgment, people will give an account for every careless word they speak. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. Like we're going to be held accountable for all of our words, does that make us feel better, or or or with a little bit of trepidation? Now, if you feel like you can't help how you feel, that's true, but you can help how you react, and and if you don't, you can help how you repent and make things right, and and so Brooke has something that she wants to add to that.

Yeah, so it's just this idea of when it comes to repenting and this idea of when we're in the heat of it and trying to figure this out that. You know, like I said before, you can't. Every action that you do has a consequence to it, and no matter what we do, what we say, or how we respond, there's always going to be a consequence to it. And so, this whole idea of just being able to-we're not talking about the agree to disagree part. We're a different spot, right? Yeah. Okay. So it's just this idea of just that. Usually, ultimately, when it comes down to it, it's it's pride that's going to stop any of that stuff happening from being able to have that closure and conflict. And no matter what we're feeling, our our feelings are never justified for this end, which we talked about. So it's just this idea of just being able to let your pride go and be able to just have that closure.

Yeah, and so the final point being slow to wrath. Now, if I'm quick to listen and slow to speak, now slow to wrath. We can't always affect how angry we get, but we can affect our impulses in our anger. So the idea of slow to wrath again, it's talking about our human impulses. So it's letting our or making sure that our impulses don't have control of us. So if our aim is to love each other the way that God loves us, then gave His life on the cross to to reconcile us, so our focus then has to be not to act in our impulses, but to act according to the reconciliation that God wants for us, and and and so there's a couple things to consider with this, and this is how we're going to close our time. First, conflict isn't always going to end like a sitcom. You guys ever watch that TV show Full House or the '90s sitcoms that were just like it? It's always funny because it's like for 25 minutes there was some kind of drama, and then in the last five minutes you had Daddy Tanner putting his daughters like on his lap and saying like, "Dear sweetheart, that is not cool, and this is the life lesson. And then the kid says, "Ah, you're right, Daddy. And then they hug, and then they move on like nothing ever happened. Like sometimes in our fights, that's what we're looking for. We're looking for the the big moment where we're all together and we see it all together. And your spouse says, "I'm sorry, and and now now you feel better about it, but here's the reality of it: You ever end in a fight that's going nowhere and nothing gets resolved? It happens because Brooke sees things differently than I do, because I feel things differently than she does, and and all of that stuff. Like we're gonna end in a in a spot sometimes where it's like, okay, we can see that this conversation is just going in circles, and so it's at that point that we found that there is a beauty in being able to say, "I care about what you feel. I just don't see it. So, so I I'm going to have to agree to disagree, and so what we'll do is we'll kind of give closing arguments at that point where I was like, "Okay, so this is going nowhere. Why don't you say the last thing that you have to say, and and without response from me, I'll say the last thing that I have to say without response, and then and then we're just going to close it here. And if you can get there, it allow you to just trust God with your spouse. Like, I can't communicate in a way that they get it, but I know God that you can, and so you just let God be the one to handle your spouse. So when that happens with us, how do you tend to feel when we're just like in that no win situation?

So obviously, it can be very frustrating. It can be a very frustrating feeling because ultimately, it feels as though you don't understand how they can't understand. And I know that sounds weird to say, but it's this idea of like, how can you not see it from my perspective? And how? And they'll think in the same thing. How can how can you not see it from my perspective? And you could go on forever in that cycle, back and forth, going constantly. When we'll find ourselves, we're like we are repeating the same fight over and over and over again, just using different words or saying it different ways. And so it's this idea; it can be very frustrating. But you also know that you have to come to a place where it's like, okay, God, I've tried to communicate what I'm needed to say, he's trying to communicate. No matter what we say or do, nothing's clicking. That we have to give it to God. At that point, it's God's not ours because we can continue this fight for on forever and not go to bed and continue and continue and continue, or we can say, okay, we come to an impact. Like it's yours, God. So you sit there and say, and then you you have to trust. It can't be just like okay, it's yours, but I'm gonna hold it in and take it, get it back at him later. It's I need to let this go and give it to God and fully allow God to. If it's me that needs to be ministered to, pray that hey God speak to me. Like if there's something I'm not getting that clearly I'm not seeing, speak to me. And then trusting that God's gonna do the same thing with your spouse, okay, God, like I have no control over this, but you know what you want out of this, like it's your marriage, so then you have to be able to let it go. And the weight does lift off. It's just like, okay, yes, it's frustrating when you can't feel like you're not being heard or understood, but at the same time, it's also kind of nice and like, okay, it's not mine anymore. It's God's, and I just have to let it go, and just trust that God's gonna. Either it's gonna like I'm gonna not care about it the next day, and it's like really, what? Why you got to pick and choose your battles? And some battles are not worth fighting over, and some, if it's meant to be, then pray that God will come to another end where that closure will truly happen naturally on its own. But otherwise, you'll be up all night and you won't go to bed. So you gotta find a closure.

With us always happens like when we're like we're about to go to bed and then all of a sudden like stuff goes down. Okay, and so the the second thing that I'll say this before we wrap this is that for us we have made it like a part of our rhythms that when we get into conflict like that, is that we end every one of our conversations, our our conflicts in prayer, and it's a commitment that we made that no matter what happens, for me as the husband, I take the ownership of leading my family spiritually, and a part of that is in the way that we end in conflict. So whether there's resolution or not, when there is or there isn't, we close out with prayer in a way that is just like giving this whole thing to God. This way, it's not her getting the last word. It's not me getting the last word. It's God getting the last word. And so here's just my encouragement. It's not healthy if I were to approach that prayer and be like, God, Brooke is so wrong. Will you please just show her because she can't see it right now, and she needs you to see it and teach her and teach her the lessons and show her why I'm right and she's wrong. It's not helpful. So the way that is helpful is for me to pray. And sometimes, like I'm gonna be honest, like fellas, like sometimes it takes a couple minutes before I can even get the words out. I'll be so frustrated or so in the moment or whatever that, like, I'll be like, "All right, let's pray, and she'll probably hear me like heavy breathe for like three minutes, and then finally, I just end up saying, "Like God, help me to see what I need to see, help her see what she needs to see, and and help us to love each other through all of this and be for each other like what you want us to be. That's that's the best way I can do it because I can recognize that there's stuff I need to learn, and and and I want her to be able to learn the thing. God gets the last word, and then we can respond with health. Now, I'm gonna just like end this with Brooke, gonna give her her final thoughts. Is like sometimes the conversations are really heavy, and sometimes they like involve really nuanced stuff. But if we can let this be the common way we handle conflict. Then, when the heavy things happen, we're able to process it easier. Does that make sense? So, if this is the part of the regular rhythm, it'll make those tough ones easier because there's a foundation to work from. Yeah, and

then I just kind of want to just kind of enclosure like marriage. I think it can bring out the best of you, and it can actually bring out the worst. Like there is a side of me that I didn't even know existed until I got married, and I went, "Oh, I didn't even know this was in me. And so, with that being said, like this idea, like no matter the frustration or whatever is going on, like maybe it's just like some sort of hope that life and your marriage doesn't need to always be where it's at. It's not a this is just the way my marriage is going to be, and I just got to deal with it. Like this idea of just like, well, this is what it is. I'm stuck, and this is our our marriage. We're continued in the cycle for the rest of our marriage. That's not what God intends it. That's not what God wants for your marriage, and so it's this idea of like, from where we were from the beginning to where we are now, and we're still learning. And from from hopefully down the road, it's this idea that it is a process that you're growing and you're going to continue to refine your marriage. But it is if you go in with this frame of mind of like, this is just what it is. We will always be this way. This is how it is. Then you're not allowing God to truly do something amazing in your marriage, and so that's where I just encourage that part, like to know that this isn't always going to be this way in life. And there's ups and downs, there's roller coasters when it comes to marriage. But knowing that, like God does amazing things in miracle, but you got to give it to Him. It's this idea of like holding it tight. He's not going to take it out of your hands. You have to give it to him, and so that idea for your marriage is just give it to him and allow him to do just that, and and to fight, fight for your marriage, fight you know instead of fighting at each other, fight with each other, and just that idea of like they are not your enemy, like come alongside and to be that support for each other. So,

you know, a lot of. This stuff is the fruit of God working in our marriage, and and I think it becomes like a really good example of that even when there's conflict, doesn't mean that God can't work through it, and that God can't have His His shaping effect on our life to make us more like Him. So Father, thank you so much for this family that You've given us. Thank you for the marriages represented here, and I pray, Lord, that when stuff is a challenge, that we're able to approach you with your grace, with your heart, with your love, laying our lives down and stepping fully into the life you've called us into. Help us to talk to one another with grace, with love. Be slow to speak, slow to wrath, but quick to listen, not just to our spouse, but to you, as we consider the things our spouse says to us. We ask in Jesus' name, Amen.